Do Good

     Lately, I've become almost obsessed with these things called Purity Balls. They're like a debutante ball but instead of announcing that your barely legal daughter is now "on the market", parents are effectively announcing that their daughters are off the market. Fathers and their frequently prepubescent daughters take pledges concerning the girl's virginity. The father pledges to protect it until she's married and she pledges to hang on to it until she's properly wedded off. Doesn't sound terrible in light of some of the nasty consequences of sex- STIs, pregnancy, heart break when you realize he only wanted "one thing", does it? Except it's part of this other movement called Christian Patriarchy . I would have thought that meant that G-d The Father was in charge but it doesn't. They're also, not surprisingly, part of what many refer to as the Purity Culture. I encourage you to follow the links provided. They explain these concepts better and in more depth than I want to right now. I also recommend these posts for further reading.    http://biblicalpersonhood.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/whats-wrong-with-purity-balls-one-virgins-perspective/ sums up most of the objections I have to the Balls. I would add that it really seems, on reading the Generations of light website that money seems to be their primary objective. I also have a problem with the way our culture has to make an extravagant party about everything. If you're that obsessed with your daughter's virginity, talk to her about it and quietly lock her in a tower and spend that money feeding poor people. That's what Christians are supposed to do, anyway. And don't get me started on how these girls are absolutely not prepared for reality. And this post discusses another problematic aspect of the movement: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2014/04/why-purity-culture-doesnt-teach-consent/. And I'll just throw this one in for shock value  http://www.homecrusadersedu.com/Courtship/DaddysGirl.pdf. But those aren't even what I really want to spend time on any more.
     This isn't something I talk about a lot, but I'm a follower of Christ, or a Christian, in normal vernacular. This was a choice I made as an adult and feel like a person's relationship with G-d and Christ is very personal and direct. Each person has a path that G-d wants them to follow and each person is directly accountable to G-d. Not a priest, elder, bishop or, ultimately, a parent.  I believe that G-d is a god of love and wants us to be good to one another. I also believe that G-d wants us to have a relationship with them and religion, generally a set of man made rules regarding behavior, quite often, has nothing to do with that. In the course of a bible study several years ago, during study of scripture and prayer, I had an image of G-d as a loving parent who just wants their children to sit in their lap and be with them. Not carry out some political agenda and especially not browbeating total strangers into a confession of belief.
       Reading about the purity culture and patriachal movements has influenced my current struggle with organized religion. I currently belong to a denomination that could be considered a fundamentalist, protestant denomination, although, compared to some denominations, considerably less so. In all fairness, I have rarely if ever heard anything so extreme preached in any of the 7 churches in my denomination that I have attended. As I was becoming more and more outraged with what I saw as imprisoning and marginalizing 3/4 of the population, I was becoming more and more disillusioned with "church" and thought I would just separate entirely. Then I thought of the hundreds of really good people I know from the various churches I've attended in my life. I was reminded of the various charitable organizations and NGOs supported by Christian denominations around the world. I was reminded of friends who have gone on short term trips to build schools or help in disaster relief and friends and family members who've gone to stay. Some work under conditions that require secrecy and must keep a bag packed at all times in case they need to be evacuated immediately. When they are mentioned in media published by their denomination, they are only listed by their first initial and the location given is very vague. Other friends have felt so led to help, they have gone on their own, with no formal support of any denomination. One woman was a widowed nurse who went back and forth to Brazil to work with a doctor. She could only stay for a few months at a time and then had to return to the States. She used her own funds and received donations from church members to accomplish this. Yet another friend, also a nurse, and her husband, a teacher, gave up well paying jobs with benefits to move their family to Central America to run a school and do a lot of community development, helping a lot of the people in their town become more financially secure and independent.
    I also thought of the "ordinary' people who stayed home but do various things in their communities to help the people there. I had a friend in Mobile, Alabama who was 72 and drove some older ladies to their doctors appointments. The church I attended Millry, Alabama has a group of men who do various construction projects around the community for people who need them, from wheel chair ramps to commercial kitchens. Really. A local woman was making and selling special order cakes from her home to make ends meet while her husband battled an illness. In Alabama, you're required to produce the food in a commercial facility outside of your home. I guess it's a health code thing. Anyway, someone reported her so there went her cake business. But, not really. These guys from the church got together and built her a free standing kitchen that satisfied the Health Department.
    I could go on but I want to get to the point sometime in this century. I thought of all these stories and thought of the people who are just nice and brighten your day by just being friendly. I know you don't have to be a Christian and go to church to be nice to people, but that's the group I'm talking about now. I was thinking of all the good things done by good people that I know to make the world a better place and then I was faced with the question, "what am I doing?". Is reading all the internet articles on a subject I find abhorrent and then railing about it really doing anybody any good? I realized that instead of carrying on about something I dislike, I need to be actively trying to promote good. This is something I feel all Christians should focus on rather than vocally fighting those with opposing viewpoints in the public square but I can only control what I do. Where ever I am, in whatever small way I can, I need to love more and provide tangible proof of that love.   To quote Emily Dickinson,
 If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain. 

My Girls

  Saturday, March 8th was International Women's Day. I was fortunate to spend it with some of the great women in my life. Sunday as well. Since then, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the women in my life. At the moment I'm surrounded by some strong, smart women whom I can really call friends. After having moved almost every year for several years, this is a welcome change.
  Not all the women in my life have always had such positive influences in my life but they have all, in some way, inspired me. Those of you who are smart, you inspire me to be smarter. Not smarter than you but to push myself to not act like a cotton headed ninny muggins. Those of you who are beautiful inspire me to explore my definition of beauty, realize that you are so much more than just a beautiful face and that you are probably not judging me because of my appearance so I should not be surprised when I discover you're an astro phsyics geek. That really happened. Shame on me. Those of you who are strong inspire me to, as one of my daughters says, "get a straw and suck it up!". You don't let excuses stop you from doing what needs to be done. And I would like you to know I have considered all of you all of these things at one time or another.
      Those of you who have fought or currently fight addictions of any sort, your courage and perseverance inspires me. Those of you who fight chronic pain, illness,  depression or other mental illness inspire me to not give up hope. Those of you who are afflicted with any of the above and seem to have given up hope inspire me to remember to show love to others I meet who are also suffering. I hope you take some comfort in knowing that if I can't help you personally, I have tried to offer someone comfort because of you.
   Working moms. "Nonworking" moms (kids are work!). Married Moms. Single moms. Moms of many. Moms of one. Moms who never got to bring their babies home from the hospital. Moms who loved and then lost. You inspire me with the way you love your children and I learn from your parenting successes AND failures or with the way you carve out a new normal every day. Women who remain childless by choice inspire me with their knowledge of self and strength to cast off the expectations of society.
     Those of you who seem to live a perfect life and do everything right and those of us who make as many mistakes and wrong turns as possible but never give up the fight, you inspire me. Battered women who got away but left pieces of their soul behind and are pushing ahead through life anyway because they fully appreciate their freedom, you inspire me to not take for granted what a fairly easy life I've led. Those of you who remain for whatever reason, you inspire me to support and encourage you and your sisters in the battle. Rape victims who speak out and say, "this happened and it wasn't my fault and it was wrong.", you inspire me with your courage to reject the shame and stigma people try to attach to the victim of such a crime. Keep yelling. Those of you who've suffered an attack and never said a word inspire me to keep talking about it until you are no longer ashamed and afraid to speak out for yourself. I love you and want you to know that nothing you did made it acceptable for someone else to do that to you.
   Nujood Ali, the 10 year old girl in Yemen who defied her father and her culture and sued for divorce from her 30 year old husband and won inspires me with her power and resolution. Her father's second wife who gave her cab fare and an address when her mother was too scared to defy her father also inspires me. The women in India in the pink saris (http://www.gulabigang.in/) who defend their neighbors against abusive husbands or family members inspire me to stand up for others who are unable at the time to  defend themselves. These women are defying thousands of years of cultural teaching at the risk of their own lives. The women who work for the various NGOs to disseminate health information and educate communities of the importance of allowing their young women to obtain an education and to postpone marriage and child bearing, for the health and safety of the young women as well as the economic benefits to the community inspire me to stop talking about the problem and get involved.
      I realize how good I have it and how easy my life is here in the U.S. but it's not enough. It's not enough that I can vote if all women can't. It's not enough that my daughter can serve in the military and, at the age of 20, marry the man of her choosing on her lunch hour. It's not enough that my daughter can have a child out of wedlock and not have to suffer in shame and castigation from our community. It's not enough that my 8 year old can tell me she wants to work at NASA when she grows up instead of having to worry about being married off before puberty. It's not enough that my son isn't being taught to treat women as property but as equals, capable of doing everything he can. It's not enough that my friend's daughter can ride public transportation home from roller derby practice wearing fishnets and booty shorts and not be harassed or assaulted. It's not enough that I can tell my husband, "No" for anything, or that he cooks for our family of 6 while I write, or that I could go back to school after 4 years of marriage and 2 kids. It's not enough that we enjoy and take for granted so many rights and privileges in the west and it won't be until women all over the world receive them and the equality inherent in them. I am inspired to keep speaking up, even if I annoy people and some stop listening. For every few who tune me out, some will continue to listen and sympathize. Some of those will do something.
   You are beautiful, smart, strong, funny, sensitive, fallible, a leader, a role model. Even if you don't feel that any or all of those apply to you, they do. I'm always watching to see "how you so it" and everyday, you inspire me. 

This magic moment

I've been going through a season of discontent lately. Maybe it has something to do with officially being 40something, maybe it's wanderlust. Who knows. I wasn't happy and I was making the people around me unhappy. I see other people living out their dreams, people my age that have done so much more than I have and I'm disappointed in myself with my ordinary, unglamorous, often messy and disorganized life. But yesterday and today I've been feeling what I can only describe as a really positive energy. We went to a home school function with the kids and we were with friends. I was surrounded by positive, stimulating people. Now by "positive" I don't just mean an absence of negativity. I mean people who were really uplifting and dynamic and a I could feel a happy, positive "vibe" when I was there.
   We went home and did some routine domestic stuff in the kitchen but we were all in the kitchen together and it felt really good, like for a minute, we were in harmony. Later, I went out with a friend. We had planned to go to a yoga class but decided we'd rather get a cup of coffee and just really talk. Again, I was in the presence of a really positive person. After we went home, I found myself snugged up in bed next to the hubs, with a cat on one end of the bed, the dog on the other, my youngest and several of her stuffies and I was really feeling the bliss.
  I had a doctor's appointment this morning and while in the waiting room, I read a parenting article that suggested parents back off and let their kids ruin their own lives in their own way instead of hovering and ruining it for them. Ok. I may have paraphrased that a bit, but they interviewed a bunch of people about their best childhood memories and no one talked about how much time they spent in the car on the way to activities or the times their parents were hovering in the wings for anything. The finding of the study was that  the best memories were the little triumphs that people accomplished on their own, not the stuff their parent micro managed.
    Today was sunny and the kids were playing outside while the hubs and I were taking care of lunch and a few other domestic things. The kids were actually getting along! Again, I just felt that positive, happy energy and everyone felt in harmony. My grandson fell and scraped his knee and my daughter brought him in to clean it up. He was completely unconcerned about the scrape but my daughter wanted to check on it and clean it a little. I was reminded of the book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Dr. Wendy Mogel, which for the record, I have only perused. Then it hit me. These little moments are what my life is. The big things are great and they make for exciting, great memories, but it's the little spontaneous things that can be really magical. Everyone cooperating to make lunch or get the kitchen cleaned up. My older daughter taking her siblings to the park when she takes her son. His first skinned knee, which is a milestone because he learned that he will fall but he can get back up. While I would still love to go on big adventures with my hubby and kids, I want to do it because it would be something fun that we all enjoyed, not because we're supposed to do these things to say we lived an adventurous life. Today, I will enjoy the small things and not bemoan the large things I have not yet accomplish because in doing so, I will lose my small, magical moments.
  And I wish you all bliss.

I finally figured out what was bugging me about stores being open on Thanksgiving. I wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go...

    Recently, I posted this picture on my Facebook page because 1) I agreed with it and 2) it's my page. I'll do what I want. Despite the fact that I was stating that MY family would not be shopping on Thanksgiving, the responses were a mixture of positive and negative with a few people asserting Thanksgiving is a day for family and a few pointing out that not everyone in the U.S. celebrates Thanksgiving, people need the extra money that working on a holiday brings in, people are looking for a bargain in "this economy" and the economy could use the boost. I conceded that they were all valid points and that people who don't celebrate Thanksgiving should be able to do as much Christmas shopping as they want on Turkey Day.
   Wait. What? Here's why it didn't sit well with me, all disgusting Black Friday displays of greed and whatever the heck it is that drives us to chant,"push the doors in!" and stampede into a store or  fight one another for the last Turbo Man Action Doll aside. The U.S. is a culturally Christian nation. We may not go to church or worship God any more, but we follow a calendar based on the Christian traditions. Our Founding Fathers may have been Deists or Clock Winders and may have referred to God as Providence, but they came from a Christian background and that's where a lot of their ideas came from. Most of us who were born and raised here in the States are at least culturally Christian. Which means we celebrate Christmas AND Thanksgiving. I hate to Should on anyone, but here it is. I think, if you're going to celebrate a Christian holiday, you should honor it fully. If you celebrate Christmas, you shouldn't go shopping on Thanksgiving. I know some of my readership of 20 will be offended by that statement. I know it's not politically correct. If you fall into that category, remember that my blog is called 'Dusti's Domain" for a reason.  The majority of people who don't celebrate Thanksgiving also probably don't celebrate Christmas (although I have read that the holiday is becoming more commonly celebrated in other cultures around the world), so they're probably not in a big hurry to go Christmas shopping. Sure, I guess they can work while we all rush out after a dinner celebrating being Thankful for family and friends and all sorts of intangible gifts from The Universe formerly known as Providence and fight to get the cheapest presents so we can get more, More, MORE!, but I don't think we should.

   I've been seeing a lot of posts on Facebook about walking away from the drama and BS in one's life, not doing things that don't bring you happiness or removing negative, difficult people from your life. This is supposed to make your life simpler and stress free. Because life is supposed to be easy, right?  I call BS.
  First of all,  people are generally difficult for a reason. Maybe they had a bad childhood. Maybe they had a child hood that was too easy and they never really learned how to appreciate the people in their lives. Maybe they just received some terrible news. "That person shouldn't be so bitter about their cancer diagnosis. They should appreciate what they do have right here and right now". By the way, you're an ass if you've ever said something like that to someone. OK, maybe you WERE an ass. People can change. I'll give you a pass if you're a reformed ass and have the humility to admit it. You have your reasons for being an ass.
   Second, everyone is "difficult" at some point in their lives. Even you. Even me! (I know, you're shocked, right?)  I am, personally, very glad my husband, after seeing all the kinds of crazy I can be, hasn't just thrown his hands up and said, "I fold". I'm fairly certain I have, at least once, caused him a little stress. But he sighs, smiles and says,"I'll always love you". Which is probably only half the thought. It's probably more like, "If you don't stop that, I'll make your demise look like an accident". Sometimes you can be a little difficult. No. Not the person to your left. You. And I'm sure you have your reasons. Should we "just walk away" when you're having a rough time?
  Third, where do we draw the line on whom to walk away from? What if it's your kid with special needs or who's getting their butt kicked by puberty? Parent with dementia who needs round the clock care? Busy body Know-it-all coworker without whom we couldn't do OUR job? This isn't a call to codependency. If someone is abusive and there is no sign of them getting better and you are able, then yes, go. Or send them packing. This is just a call for compassion and patience.
  What about not doing things that don't make you happy? Do you mean like changing diapers? On your kid or your parent/ grandparent? Your job? If you hate your job, should you just walk away? Maybe. But at least wait until you have another one. And maybe if you hate your job, it's because it's not where you should be and you should do some soul searching and find your calling and take steps to get there. But, I digress. In some cultures, not doing something because it doesn't make you happy is unheard of. You do it because that's your role and other people are depending on you. I'm not saying that's the best way, but, ya know, try to find a middle ground between the great emphasis on the individual in U.S. culture and responsibility to the group in other cultures.
    Sometimes when you just press through the Idawannas, you get a great return on your investment. I'm the treasurer for the PTA at my younger kids' school. I'm not a numbers person and my training was fairly minimal. Since I'm the money girl, I have to go to most of the meetings even if I'm not on that committee. Of course, I'm on most of the committees because there are only a handful of parent volunteers and we wear a lot of hats. Sometimes, I really hate it. Really, really, really. But, then we put on an event and the kids have a great time and nobody sees what didn't go as planned or what was forgotten because they're just having a good time. They're smiling and laughing and it's because we went to the meetings we didn't want to go to and we did the shopping we didn't want to do and we set up the dance/ seasonal event even though we were tired and we're glad we did.
      Life is a lot of difficulty peppered with some occasional great moments. The difficulties make us appreciate the great moments. It's kind of like hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. The uphill part is ROUGH but the view from the top of a mountain is amazing.  So, I guess what I want to convey was best said by Kenny Rogers. "You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." There is a time to walk away from the negative and the oppressive, but there's also a time to suck it up, soldier on, cowboy up, and put on your big girl panties. But without sounding all advice-y. Just wanted to say, "what's up with that?"

Couch Surfing USA Part 1

  As most a lot some really big undertakings do, it started with a very simple idea.  My in-laws had been to visit us about 1000 times since we moved to Portland 3 years ago and I hadn't seen my family since my mom's funeral so it was time for us to go to them. I carefully calculated  pretty much guesstimated how much we'd need for travel expenses and activities and talked a lot about saving up for our trip. Then I realized that, unlike our previous cross-country trips, I wasn't under a deadline. We could take as much time as we needed. I started thinking about sights we could see along the way. Then I thought about people I could see along the way. Again, it started with one person and branched out from there. A simple 5 day, 2600 mile trip became a 2 week, 2900ish mile expedition. We stayed with several friends, saw a few planned sights and had a few impromptu side trips. It was poorly planned,my budget got cut in half due to some vehicle maintenance issues on our other car, I over packed and very quickly let go of a lot of ideals in the name of survival/ maintaining my sanity and the kids and I ran through a gamut of emotions on a daily basis. And I look forward to having the chance to do it again. I have a lot of ideas of how I want to write about it and just may try them all out. That's the great thing about my blog. It's MY blog! All mine! hahahahahahaha! Can't wait to get started!
  I'm calling the series Couch Surfing but that's a bit of a misnomer. Couch surfing, to me implies that one is crashing with strangers. We were graciously welcomed into the homes of friends and family members who took great care of us.

Summer!!!

We're having a bit of a heat wave here in PDX. Fortunately, it's supposed to break in a few days. Which is great because we don't have air conditioning in our 1944 concrete house and, "It's too hot to care about anything" as my hubby put it this afternoon when I apologized for the house being messy. I was really frustrated because I got the front of the house cleaned up but it's been a struggle to maintain it. It finally occurred to to me that "if I couldn't keep it clean while the kids were in school, why the heck did I think I could keep it clean while they're home?" Also, my kids have been surviving on watermelon, popsicles and chicken nuggets because, in addition to the heat, I can't seem to keep any counter space in my tiny, poorly designed kitchen uncluttered so cooking is a huge pain. This is sad because a local organic farm delivers fresh veggies weekly to the hospital my husband works at. There's usually something we recognize or know how to cook, but there are a lot of things I've never cooked and haven't made to effort to figure out what to do with them. Long story short, we have too much crap and I'm tired of dealing with it. It's getting in the way of us having a full life. I'm ready to get rid of the junk and all the negative "stuff" that goes along with it.
  Anyway, we're gearing up for a cross country trek in a couple of weeks. Ian, Lia and I are driving to Alabama. Well, I'll be driving and they'll be asking, "are we there yet?" and requesting frequent bathroom stops. The kind that never seem to coincide with, gas or restaurant stops or any locally available bathrooms. My kids have become experts at weeing on the side of the road discreetly(ish). I mean, I tell them no one can see, so that counts, right?
  Despite that, I'm really looking forward to the trip. We're taking a less than direct route so we can work in a few visits with some friends along the way and we'll stop and see a few sights as well. We plan on camping some nights provided a campsite isn't as much as a hotel room. I looked up KOA and the price of a tent campsite wasn't listed. If you don't show me the price up front, I assume it's probably more than I want to spend. A lot of national parks also offer camping so we might give that a try. Another thing I'm actually excited about is what we're going to eat on the trip. I'm going to scout out farmers markets and other whole, healthy food sources along the way and my goal is to blog about not only our great experiences on the open road, but eating healthfully along the way. I'm a little concerned that Ian isn't going to like it because he's never really enjoyed vegetables beyond green beans, broccoli and salad stuff but, I also think that since we're in the middle of nowhere and the choices are take it or leave it, he'll take it. I'm not too concerned about Lia. She's a bit of a garbage disposal not picky.
  In the interim, we're getting vehicles up to snuff (yay, new tires! I mean brand new! I didn't realize treads could be that deep!), arranging play dates and birthday parties, and wading through an endless sea of Lia's clothes to pack for our trip. That's another thing I'm kind of excited about. We're going away for approximately 6 weeks and bringing 4 days worth of clothes, plus a few extra items like a sweater for evenings in the desert and a bathing suit. If we absolutely need anything else once we get there, such as a dressy outfit for church, we can get it there.So, in addition to visiting family and seeing things we've never seen before, I'm hoping that we'll be able to enjoy the experiences and people in our lives and this trip will provide a much needed change in perspective and when we get home, we'll see that we can live without all this extra stuff we're constantly picking up, storing, washing, and just tending to in general.